Dear Wolf

Alex T. Wolf
Jail
1 Fairy Tale Place


Oh my Alex,

See now, sonny, I tole you not to go tryin' to do nothin' special for me on my birthday!  It'us so sweet of you to make me that cake, espeshully since you been down with that pewmonya 'n all, but really you ain't shoulda!  'n now my pore granboy got hisself in JAIL!  I knew those pigs was trouble the moment you tole me they were movin' in.  You shoulda moved over to my neighborhood when that house went up for rent down the block.  'Magine buildin' houses outta straw 'n sticks...why they'll bring the property value right down! 'n now thanks to those nasty pigs, there's been all that crime in the neighborhood, 'n my pore baby got throwed in jail.  I always tole you to be careful what you eat, 'n you ain't never should eat food that's been left out, you ain't know where it's been after all.

I hope you're staying warm, 'n that they're givin' you some medicine for that cold.  I'll tell them to give you a extra blanket so you ain't get any sicker 'n that they better be feedin' you three squares a day.  I'm sure we'll get this straightened out real soon so you can get back out.  But next time darling just bring me part of a pig, that's just as nice as a cake after all.  Take care.

Love,

Granny Wolf

Lil Golden Hood 2

Lil Golden Hood

Well, that goldie girl's mom was way more pacific than ole red's mom.  She tole her it was kinda like a test to see if she could get to her gram's all by herself 'n then she tole her you ain't sposed to play around or talk to no one or nothin' 'n you gotta hurry up 'n get movin'.  Plus I guess that storyteller was bored of the story cause he hadda go 'n make the kid some like real perfect, gorgeous kid.  That was kinda stupid; everyone knows the pretty ones get ate the fastest.  They're worse though cause they make goldie look way dumber cause she straight up ain't done what she was sposed to do 'n you gotta be slicker'n that if you're gonna break the rules else you're gonna get caught.

I dunno if I liked the end cause ain't no one should not get ate when they too stupid to stay livin' but I liked this story way finer than the other one.  I wish I had me a magic hat like that one so's I could punch some kid 'n then they try to punch me back 'n bust their hand.  That'ud be so funny.  Plus I like the part where Gram went woopin' on that ole wolf 'n drowned 'im cause she got some guts baggin' that dude like that.  I betcha my gram's like that too cep she ain't drown no wolves cause where she's from, the wolves ain't mean.  Betcha she could drown a troll though! 

I wanna read the one where red kicks the wolf's butt stead'a bein' all wimpy 'n stuff.  That'ud be a great story.

Red Riding Hood

Well, I dunno.  Seems like Red oughta be able to walk to her gram's by herself, specially if she been there before. Course some kids ain't got no street smarts 'n they ain't never seem to learn em neither.  My sister 'n me take care'a ourselves lots 'n she still ain't sposed to walk home from school by herself cause she ends up kidnapped or somethin'.  So maybe her mom oughta know that 'n she ain't shoulda let her go by herself cause she oughta know her kid ain't got no savvy on her own.

Well, this story's way older so this was prolly how it used to end 'n Red got hers for bein' bad.  But grownups figure kids can't handle them real gruesome stories where people get ate or dragged around in barrels of nails or hafta dance in red hot shoes so they been changin' em now so they got happy endings.  So now the hunter ain't got no gun, he's got a axe 'n he chops the wolf open 'n somehow the wolf swallowed her 'n granny whole so they come out just fine 'n Red ain't stupid about strangers no more.  Course the wolf's still dead either way, maybe next time they'll change it so the wolf just gets sat on or kicked in the butt til he gotta cough em back up 'n then they'll all go have tea.

I like the chinese one better cause the kids was stayin home takin' care'a themselves 'n when the wolf tricked em into letting him in, they caught onto him 'n tricked him into climbin' a tree 'n fallin' so then he got all smushed to pieces 'n they went back to bed.  That's what I'da done cause them chinese kids got the smarts 'n they can take care'a themselves real fine.

Three things about me