Too Bad, So Sad

Dear Pluto:

So we scientists got together 'n totally figured out you ain't no kinda planet.  So we're writin' you this letter kickin' you outta the Planet Club cause you're cool 'n all but you just ain't cut it.

Yeah, you're in orbit round the sun but so's about 29873986025 things.  Yeah, you're a ball but that ain't really count for too much.  We used to think you was real cool hangin' by yourself out there but then we come to find out that really you're just parta another big ole asteroid belt thing.  'N you ain't even the biggest thing in that belt.  Not to mention you still lettin' all them other planet wannabe's jock your swag, you know what we're sayin'?

So...it ain't that we ain't like you or nothin', but you just ain't bad enuf to hang with the big boys.  You get out there, beat up some'a them other little guys like Charon or Varuna...heck, Mercury coulda totally taken them out eons ago.  Get some beef on ya then you can come back 'n apply again.  But you better hurry cause Eris is bigger'n you 'n I bet she's lookin' for a fight.  An you totally ain't wanna hafta say your butt got kicked by a girl, right?

Til then, sorry dude.  Better luck next time.
Science people

Alien on Jupiter

My alien lives on Jupiter.  He's flat like a waffle cause there's too much gravity.  Even his eyes is flat 'n they're real big 'n they glow so he can see through all the clouds.  He's got like a zillyun flipper things so he can sorta paddle through all the gas 'n liquid cause he can sorta half fly 'n half swim.  His mouth's on the bottom  so he can suck in all the liquid 'n he eats somethin' in that cep I ain't know what.  But he's gotta be careful not to get near the big red storm cause he'll get like sucked in 'n shot out like a cannonball 'n then he'd get all tore up 'n prolly suffocate or drown or get his legs ripped off or somethin'.  So he gotta paddle round it 'n ain't better get too close.

Alien on the Sun 2

Okay fine so that's my new alien 'n he's surfin' the solar flares 'n havin' hisself a keen ole' time.  He only got patches for eyes 'cause he can't have no real eyes cause they'd get torched so he got patches for eyes 'n they see like shadows 'n stuff.  So he's kinna smokey so the flames can like, go through him an he got sorta spread out skin to get rid of extra heat.  Plus he can't have no mouth cause he'd get torched when he opened it so he breathes through his skin.  'N that's all I know bout the sun so I guess the rest of 'im's magic.

Alien on the Sun

Postcard from Mercury

Hi Bren,

I know I ain't seen you in a while cause I been on Mercury.  It's closest to the sun 'n the sun's like ninety millyun miles from earth so I can't come home for the weekend or nothin' right now.  But it's cool cause there ain't no school here.  Plus it's hot in the daytime.  Too bad it's so stinkin' cold at night, I hafta stay inside, but I can go out in the mornin' 'fore it gets too hot.  There's lotsa rock here 'n Mercury's got more craters 'n a kid with bad acne.  So I hafta carry a baseball bat so's I c'n swat alla rocks come flyin' at me outta nowhere.  Plus it's real windy cause the solar wind's always dumpin' space junk here.  It's cool though cause there ain't too much gravity here so when I kick my soccer ball I can kick it so high it takes ten minutes to come back down.  Me 'n my friend play soccer 'n I win cause he only got a snakey legs 'n then a tail so's he can balance.  His name's Nyrk 'n he's got four eyes 'n lil bitty hands.  He's real tall 'n I grew tall too cause even though the planet's all metal there no gravity made us stretchy.  And wobbly too.  I live in my house I built in a crater cep it's near the wall so if another crater hits, maybe I ain't get blown up.  You gotta come! 

McKennah

Snow White and Rose Red

Well them two sisters was real close 'n they always took care'a each other 'n stuff like me 'n my sis, but they ain't was the same.  Snow White was sorta like Bren cause she liked bein' home 'n sittin' with her mom 'n makin' nice things, 'n Rose Red was always runnin' round outside 'n prolly gettin' in scrapes 'n stuff like me.  Cep I ain't pick no flowers or catch butterflys or nothin' cause I'd ruther be playin' soccer.  But they prolly ain't have soccer back then, else Rose Red'ud prolly be doin' that too.  Anyway, even though they ain't the same, they was real close 'n they knew they'd always be best friends 'n be together 'n they shared their stuff like we do mostly.  Cep sometimes we ain't always share, but mostly we do.  But they was together lots 'n best friends 'n they even went off 'n got married together 'n they married some brothers so they ain't never hafta live too far apart, so that was cool.  I'd say I hope me 'n my sis do that cep I ain't gettin' married cause boys mostly got cooties.

This story's pretty cool though even if them sisters is kinda goody two-shoes 'n they ain't play no soccer or ride dirt bikes or nothin'.  It's way better than the real Snow White 'n I ain't sure these stories is the same at all.  Cause the other Snow White, her step mom like...hated her 'n tried'a get this guy to kill her cep he couldn't do it so he got her lost in the woods 'n she lived with the dwarves 'steada rescuin' em alla time 'n they was way nicer'n the one in this story.  He was a hoptoad 'n he put the prince under a spell so Snow White hadda rescue him.  I like that way better cep it'ud be cooler if she hadda fight a dragon or climb a tower or somethin' insteada just catchin' the dwarf with his treasure so the bear could kill 'im.  You ain't oughta be mean to folks that was good to you when you ain't had no one else.  If the dwarf ain't been so rotten, maybe he ain't'ud got croaked like that.  But it's better anyhow 'cause then the prince ain't hadda be a bear no more, even though maybe it was really cooler to be a bear.

Dear Wolf

Alex T. Wolf
Jail
1 Fairy Tale Place


Oh my Alex,

See now, sonny, I tole you not to go tryin' to do nothin' special for me on my birthday!  It'us so sweet of you to make me that cake, espeshully since you been down with that pewmonya 'n all, but really you ain't shoulda!  'n now my pore granboy got hisself in JAIL!  I knew those pigs was trouble the moment you tole me they were movin' in.  You shoulda moved over to my neighborhood when that house went up for rent down the block.  'Magine buildin' houses outta straw 'n sticks...why they'll bring the property value right down! 'n now thanks to those nasty pigs, there's been all that crime in the neighborhood, 'n my pore baby got throwed in jail.  I always tole you to be careful what you eat, 'n you ain't never should eat food that's been left out, you ain't know where it's been after all.

I hope you're staying warm, 'n that they're givin' you some medicine for that cold.  I'll tell them to give you a extra blanket so you ain't get any sicker 'n that they better be feedin' you three squares a day.  I'm sure we'll get this straightened out real soon so you can get back out.  But next time darling just bring me part of a pig, that's just as nice as a cake after all.  Take care.

Love,

Granny Wolf

Lil Golden Hood 2

Lil Golden Hood

Well, that goldie girl's mom was way more pacific than ole red's mom.  She tole her it was kinda like a test to see if she could get to her gram's all by herself 'n then she tole her you ain't sposed to play around or talk to no one or nothin' 'n you gotta hurry up 'n get movin'.  Plus I guess that storyteller was bored of the story cause he hadda go 'n make the kid some like real perfect, gorgeous kid.  That was kinda stupid; everyone knows the pretty ones get ate the fastest.  They're worse though cause they make goldie look way dumber cause she straight up ain't done what she was sposed to do 'n you gotta be slicker'n that if you're gonna break the rules else you're gonna get caught.

I dunno if I liked the end cause ain't no one should not get ate when they too stupid to stay livin' but I liked this story way finer than the other one.  I wish I had me a magic hat like that one so's I could punch some kid 'n then they try to punch me back 'n bust their hand.  That'ud be so funny.  Plus I like the part where Gram went woopin' on that ole wolf 'n drowned 'im cause she got some guts baggin' that dude like that.  I betcha my gram's like that too cep she ain't drown no wolves cause where she's from, the wolves ain't mean.  Betcha she could drown a troll though! 

I wanna read the one where red kicks the wolf's butt stead'a bein' all wimpy 'n stuff.  That'ud be a great story.

Red Riding Hood

Well, I dunno.  Seems like Red oughta be able to walk to her gram's by herself, specially if she been there before. Course some kids ain't got no street smarts 'n they ain't never seem to learn em neither.  My sister 'n me take care'a ourselves lots 'n she still ain't sposed to walk home from school by herself cause she ends up kidnapped or somethin'.  So maybe her mom oughta know that 'n she ain't shoulda let her go by herself cause she oughta know her kid ain't got no savvy on her own.

Well, this story's way older so this was prolly how it used to end 'n Red got hers for bein' bad.  But grownups figure kids can't handle them real gruesome stories where people get ate or dragged around in barrels of nails or hafta dance in red hot shoes so they been changin' em now so they got happy endings.  So now the hunter ain't got no gun, he's got a axe 'n he chops the wolf open 'n somehow the wolf swallowed her 'n granny whole so they come out just fine 'n Red ain't stupid about strangers no more.  Course the wolf's still dead either way, maybe next time they'll change it so the wolf just gets sat on or kicked in the butt til he gotta cough em back up 'n then they'll all go have tea.

I like the chinese one better cause the kids was stayin home takin' care'a themselves 'n when the wolf tricked em into letting him in, they caught onto him 'n tricked him into climbin' a tree 'n fallin' so then he got all smushed to pieces 'n they went back to bed.  That's what I'da done cause them chinese kids got the smarts 'n they can take care'a themselves real fine.

Three things about me